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This guilt has overwhelmed me
Burdens too much to bear
I have this shame inside me
But you wouldn’t even know it’s there

All you see is the smile upon my face
But behind that smile is the pain I face
The pain that I cannot escape

The act of pretending
It’s who I’ve come to be
If you were to peer inside my heart
You’d know just why I don’t love me

All you see is the smile upon my face
But behind that smile is the pain I face
The pain that I cannot escape

Do you know what kept me on this Earth
I was so close to letting go
Attempting to end this life
You told me giving up won’t help you know

This life I brought to you
To tell others about me
A new reason to live
Not just for pleasures your heart seeks

Now all you see is the smile upon my face
Because the Lord did not deny me his grace
You’re the reason I choose to live
You loved me when I refused to listen
Lord I give you all I am
Because you loved me when I couldn’t

Now all you see is a smile upon my face
But behind that smile is the strength I’ve gained
The pain I have escaped
Has made me who I am today

Now all you see is a smile upon my face
Because there in the Lord I have placed all my faith

~A week ago from today there was a person at my church who committed suicide. I wrote this song from his perspective but changed the out come of his decisions. It shows how guilt and shame without hope can lead to giving up. It describes the challenges to feel like you are not worth anything and the trials it takes to overcome those thoughts. Everyday we pass by these people who pretend to smile but really they are facing some sort of battle within themselves. The end of the song is the outcome of a person who realizes that Jesus is reaching out to them and the effects that will begin to take place once they accept him.

Ordered Scraps

The seasons turned more
cycles than they pretend to predict,
man endeavored
to fashion order:

the mold, fungus infested
soil has been
bushes, non-symmetrical
hideous branches
of trees
destroyed for order:

replaced by the goo
mush of black tar and hardened concrete,
declared worthy
to create order:

the yellow dirt bulldozed, gone,
hardly left with its fragments,
covered by concrete
should be
looked as ordered scraps.

-I tried to write in Ammons style of writing by making the entire poem one sentence and by joining the clauses by a series of colons and a few commas. I also tried to reproduce his common theme of nature and life by describing what everyday life and technology has taken away form nature. I imagined the poem to be describing the future when the majority of nature has been destroyed for housing, businesses, to make what people think is more orderly. The theme I wanted people to take away is that even the scraps of imperfections such as fungus filled yellow dirt or the non-symmetrical trees have in them more order and perfection than concrete roads can supply. And that maybe the order that people are looking for are not in the man made things but in nature. One of the things I tried to do in the poem was make the words appear in stanzas that look like scraps. But in them the syllables of the first and second stanza are symmetrical to the third and fourth. It is an image of ordered scraps.

Persona Poem

A single narrow pathway
Is the only exit away from the double seated rows
But even escaping the claustrophobic seating
Provides no real relief from the flying cage enclosed

A deep set pair of green eyes peers out the fishbowl glass window
Whose frail, fatless body remains secured under a black belt
Waiting_ waiting_ to arrive back,
Waiting to revisit the past horror.

A single drop of sweat drips from his brow.
He forces himself to close his eyes,
Jaw and fists clenched
Anger_ piercing unbearable anger his only emotion.

A shriek echoes;
The cage rumbles and crackles;
Chaos, pure chaos emerges
His lungs no longer able to contract.

His stomach bangs against itself
And his body slams upward, suffocated by the black belt.
But his voice does not add to the screams.
His mind thinks back to when he was seventeen.

A field of broken people, enclosed by electric wires,
Everyone clothed in his own white pajamas,
Separated from family, he saw his father rows ahead.
They shoved him in to take a shower.

But he didn’t come out, I never saw him come out!
Only to hear a shrills of shrieks and screams
I was next, I should have been next but people came.
The American guards rushed in.
I escaped fate once, but only once.

Pandora Poem

If Zeus crafted me for a pernicious pursuit
Constructed me to contain a curse,
Invoke agony to mankind on Earth,
Am I to blame?

Is it fair that curiosity choked my reasoning,
My spirit enslaved, flesh weak to the test?
Am I stained with blood, buried with shame
Because it was my fault, I am to blame?

Temptations arose of which I was warned not
Am I a victim of Zeus’ unrighteous plot?
Privileged with life for his thirst of revenge,
Why have I brought misery to humans?

If awareness did not fail then,
When the Gods endowed me with inquisitiveness,
Perfection, and deceitful cleverness
Would I endure the guilt I now tolerate?

I despise Zeus for forming me,
For shaping the sin I became,
For crafting an enslaved being.
_Did I ask to be made?

Icarus Poem

The horizon conceals its towns
With its blue rim sleeping on the surface,
Reducing all visibility to a fine turquoise screen.
Our floating structure challenges the current,
Tests the crews ability to catch,
To capture all those fidgeting breakfast meals.
But the wrath of waves proves itself mightier,
More commanding than the innocent liquid perceived.
It relentlessly clutches to us, squeezes our vessel,
Compelling our men to dive blamelessly and purposely
Into the profound, and join our fidgeting meals.

But the men are reminded of Icarus’ tale
Which initiates reconsideration.
Did he drown himself purposely?
Because the rays of the blinding sphere
Overpowered his human limits?
So much he offered his final strengths,
Chased upward and plummeted beneath the blue rim?

The insignificant men aboard the floating structure,
Determined to conquer probability
Decide not to dispose their hope to the sea.
With a change of thought, controlled by fear,
Followed by a reminder of Icarus’ mistake;
The crew remained on the woodened floor boards.


October 31, 2009

You may never know what it means to truly love
Before that person has lived their song
When the time comes to say goodbye
If you even have time to touch the crying eye
To hold that person so close forever
And, say that you love them so
To tell them that the world would be different
That everything they did made a difference
That life really does have a meaning
And, if you weren’t here upon the earth to bring joy and happiness
That the world may slowly lose that grace
Because you were a gift to the presence of all
And, even though your song may be done
You will still live on forever

That Block, Those Grey Bricks

If you could peer around that block, those grey stacked up bricks,
Understand the way they line without a single dent.
If you could take a glimpse around the corner,
Reveal the actions yet unseen.
Realize the path ahead and the fate of your own being.

What if that never ending length and width, those grey stacked up bricks
Became weak, and worn, broken down unfinished.
What if those bricks were no longer mortared together,
But deteriorating all around.
What if it failed to be the wall, that hid your future route.

What if it was a broken down block, and grey collapsed bricks.
Would you dare to cross that line, and expose your eyes to it.
Across the difference of present and future time;
Step over all the dust and the fallen concrete,
Would you walk beyond that block and see how you turned out to be.

If that was my broken down block, those grey deteriorated bricks.
I’d fear the path that could be know,
And immediately revert my eyes from it.
Because what if that wall, those grey stacked up bricks,
Provided each life with one’s unique experience.


Behind The Smile On My Face

If you were face to face with the Lord Almighty
These are the words I know He would say

I understand the world you are in
Brings pain, hurt, and suffering
My daughter can you not see
All these things are in My timing?

I put you in the place your in
So you would learn to solely depend
On the God who gave the Earth its life
On the God who chose to bring you life
Out of all the stars and the universe
I picked your soul to change the world

Do not doubt the love I show
Or the pain your father knows
For a cause that you do not yet see
You must depend on My strength for I am listening

I hear your cry, feel your aching heart
But, daughter those tears you shed
Bring clarity, of what My purpose for you will be
Without the breaking of your heart
Without the trials you have faced
Without the mistakes you have made
Without the guilt Satan has placed
You might have never needed My loving grace

For you to realize how much you need Me
Some suffering was necessary
Daughter your sins have been erased
For My blood has made them fade away

Do you realize your eyes have been cleared?
You now grasp what so many fail to see
That at the end of this lifetime comes eternity
You will see the smile upon My face
My glory shine, the angels sing
You cannot imagine all heaven will be

But daughter one last thing you cannot forget
Not yet have I called you to heaven
Your purpose still remains upon the Earth
I need you to be the light in the world

For with understanding you must spread My word
I will give you the courage, and the words to speak
For My Holy Spirit dwells in you
Behind that smile on your face
Teach the world of  My loving grace

A Poem

They come together one by one,
A splat of ink here and a question there
Combining thoughts to make a verse
Flown in words upon a sheet,
Which somehow make it sound complete.

Within the author’s head onto the page,
Written words fall into place
Meaning, yes, metaphor
And, don’t forget a simile too.
This is what a poem is made to do.

Deeper, darker quite unclear
Meaning behind thinking
Concentration, then your consideration
Of what was said and what is being heard.

A bird in action flying higher in the sky,
Depression of a sad lullaby.
Happiness staring into the sea,
Where there is a waving palm tree.

Looking farther from the outside skin,
Deeper down to the very bone,
Is where you will find something more,
More than a piece of writing,
More than a single meaning,
Written verses standing proudly alone
It is surely then called simply a poem.

Is There Hope, Hope At All?

When I can no longer stand upon my own,
Or hear the cry of my wretched pain.
To perform no actions with my will;
For the faults endeavored I cannot explain.

How many long years so lost, alone
Trudging endlessly to no where.
Where is the purpose, the answer I seek?
Is there hope, hope at all?

I have the scares, believe the past;
Regret the decisions that failed the test.
Fear the future which words speak,
Is there hope, hope at all?

To feel alone, is different than to be alone.
Many desire truth that holds answers,
But, then refuse to believe those answers.
Doubtfully they ask is there hope, hope at all?

When you finally do not stand upon your own,
But, admit to the cry of your soul’s pain.
Perform no actions by your own will;
Then the faults endeavored won’t have to be explained.

Because the blood of Christ which He humbly shed,
Died for our sins to forgive and mend.
The hearts of those who feel alone,
He heals their hurt and makes them whole.
Rejoicing, those people find that there is hope, hope for all!